Welcome to Sidewalk City

Run that motif by me once more.

2005-09-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

The other night (last night? Last night),
I finished The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins.
It was a pleasant enough read,
Good enough for "popular science".
Chapter eleven abstracted the idea of the replicator
And showed, by introducing the concept of "memes"
(Ideas, beliefs, transmissable/reproducible mental data),
That genes are only one sort of replicator among others.
I'll admit that at several loci in the book, I actually smiled.

What is to be gained from a better understanding of the nature and mode of genes?
For one, we can start to lessen the noise between our apparent consciousness
And the thoughts, impulses, and reactions that arise from seeming darkness.
We can stop trying to explain or justify our feelings and desires
As though our "selves", who we are, are purely psychic entities,
Immune to unconscious influence,
And examine ourselves with the full awareness that we are "survival machines",
Vehicles for our genes, and just as the parameters for our physical selves
Are initially determined by our genes, so are our mental predispositions.

But enough of that.
I encourage the reading of this book,
As well as (perhaps even in conjunction with)
The Blank Slate by Stephen Pinker,
A look at brain development and the question of human nature.

Now, off to look for my copy of The New Man.
Ta.

Yes. Oh, yes. Right...

2005-09-14T23:06:00.000-07:00

Quick Note: I've decided to give this another try, mainly because of the complaints I've received ("Oh, isn't that cute; he's trying to make it sound as though people want him to keep writ-- oh, here he comes."). Unfortunately, I've no more direction than when I first began. So please email me or leave note in the comments regarding what you would like to see here. For instance, interesting links, commentary, fiction, so forth. I'll try it here.

I awoke this morning to realize that I've fallen into a bit of a pattern.
This is no terrible thing; pattern and structure are the stuff of purpose and drive.
But here my life has degenerated into a loose sort of loop:
Every morning I wake up, consider running on the treadmill and never do.
Then I put off eating and I begin looking for jobs.
Every cover letter and inquiry reminds me that I'm not worth anything to any of these people.
It's demoralizing:
Every day I wake up, wash up, dress up, and then nothing.
I've no job, no girlfriend, and I'm beginning to lose sight of any purpose I might have at one time had.
I don't pray anymore. I don't go to Mass. I don't talk about what I want to do.
Every day seems like one more proof of the future that I don't have.
At Meeting on Monday, we talked about living in the now.
I need to wake up every day and decide what that day is about, what I'm going to do that day.
I can't live the future. I can't make the future happen.
All I can do is live today, do what needs to be done, (and not drink, they stress. Fuck off.).

What a waste of a post.
Oh, well. If I'm wrong, and you've got a better way to go about things,
I'd appreciate hearing it. I hate this 12-step garbage.
Pax vobis.

Pathetic... but enough about everyone else.

2005-06-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Well.
I've graduated.
BA in Comparative Literature.

And what's the first thing I do?
I get in a car wreck.
Fall asleep, boom.
Of course.

So now I've got to appear in court.
But hey, I ran a red light a month ago,
So they should have seen me coming;
I gave 'em fair warning.

What else, what else...
Yes, I'm interested in a girl,
And if you've been paying attention,
You know as well as I how that's going to work out.
So we'll just let that one go, okay? Okay? Sure, hon, you betcha.

I've quit drinking. Almost a month sober now.
And I've quit smoking. It's only been a couple days.
God, I want a drink.

And by a drink, I mean that I want to slag a huge bottle of bourbon
And wake up just in time to escape the rising tide.
Please don't tell anyone else I said that, though.
Pretend that you're the only one that reads this
(I'll be damned! You are!!!)
And keep it to yourself.

So I'm sober, I'm off nicotine,
I don't have a car, and I no longer have a job
(The Tutors' Club doesn't need me anymore).

I really need to get something going.
I need to start writing again or get a new job.
I feel utterly adrift. All I do anymore is post on Fazed and listen to music.
My few good friends all have relationships going.
I spent a while being jealous, but that's no fair.
Maybe I need one of my own.
Of course... well, you know.

On top of this, people I care about dearly are having a rough time.
Maybe it's just me, but that's fucked up.
I mean, me, I'm a fuckup; I don't deserve good things.
But these people, these are good people.
Maybe I need to start going to Mass again.
Things at least seemed better when I was going to Mass.

By the way. My playlist right now?
You don't want to know. It's so insipid
It would shrink the testicles off a fruit fly.

Hrm.

2005-04-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I went to Dave & Buster's.
I walked up to the door,
And the doorman was a guy I knew from highschool.
We chatted, I went in.
Neat.

I sit down at a table
And start copying Greek verb paradigms.
I need to brush up on it,
You know, clean up my Attic.
HahahahahagodIsuck.
Anyway, my waitress is a girl I knew,
Also from highschool.
She looked good. Better than I remember.

Not a few minutes later,
I see encounter three other people,
All of whom I knew from highschool.

The thing was, it was fun.
They were people with whom
I wish I had stayed in touch.
They were all excited to see me
And talked my ear off.
Thank god I have another one.

But is this bad? Is it regressive?
I don't know why it would be.
But is it?

Things going on

2005-04-11T02:03:00.000-07:00

I just had my first anxiety attack in almost a year.
I thought I'd see how I was getting on.
I went and checked up on my ex-girlfriend's blog-thing-whatever.
Fuck and a half, that was a mistake.

I'm going to be... whoops.
I already am twenty-two.
It will be a year since the break up
In thirty-two days.
No, I have not been counting.
Just some quick math.

I guess I'm just going to have to continue to not think about it.
...
Okay, I just revisited it.
She's still in the same apartment.
That means that I drive by there every day.
I don't even know what to say about that.
God, what if I see her?
I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Sober San Diego

2005-04-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a weekend in San Diego.
Danno lives down there with a couple guys
In a house not two hundred metres from the beach.
Neato.

I didn't have a drop to drink the entire weekend.
Go me. The odd thing was, I didn't even want to.

Anyway, I hate to be cryptic,
But the past few days have been disappointing.
No, still too cryptic. I'll use code.
The belly hangs on the jet,
And the horse I loved has been sold for guts.

Hey, that was fun.

Another sober night tonight. Going on 100+ hours now.
This has been a shit week to stop drinking.

Whoops

2005-03-24T10:05:00.000-08:00

Forgot about this thing, didn't I.
All is good for now.
Actually, everything's quite shite.
I just have to keep from fucking up until I graduate.
Then... well, then I have to keep from fucking up.

By the way, I learned a bit about ellipses.
Turns out, if there's more to the sentence,
One uses the three dots.
But if the sentence ends with the ellipses,
One uses four.
I'm never going to remember to do that.

My pay situation is fucked right now.
I'm not looking too hot, at least not until 7 April.
Dammit.
Well, at least I have good friends.

2005-03-06T23:00:00.000-08:00

My god.
I had no idea that I could drink that much.
But I can. And I did.
First night, I tackled the bourbon and Mickey's.
Bad fucking idea. Out like a light.
There's an amusing pic of Seven carrying me about.
It looks like the Pietà.
I think I smoked a cigar, too.
Then I slumped over on Patty's bosom.

Drank PBR and scotch all the next day.
Did some shots that night.
Drank until 5 am.
Don't know how I got to my room.
Every line in this paragraph begins with a 'D'.
Fuck.
Good going.
He couldn't keep it up.
I, rather.
Jesus. Never mind. What the hell is this?

Ha. I thought my drunk posts were weird.
This is an embarassment.
I'm going to wait until my pathetic excuse for a hangover wears off.
Then I'll post again.
And upload pics.

Vegas

2005-03-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving for Vegas today.

Packing:

1 bottle Wild Turkey 101
4 bottles Chimay Grande Reserve
12 pack Mickey's Malt Liquor
12 pack Pabst Blue Ribbon
8 cans Red Bull

2 sweaters
2 pairs of pants
2 jackets
1 tshirt
socks, don't know how many
no underwear

And some translation stuff to work on in my down time.

I will be meeting Razor, Seven, Spanky, SpunOne, Vonnieda, Supernipchick, Cherrybomb, Velascotie, Baz, Engineer, Abalia, Moodswung, Banwa, and a few others there. In other words, Nick, Mike, Jay, Adam, Jason, Patty, Cheryl, George, Brian, Chris, Abby, Scott, Josh, and a few others, respectively.

It's going to be awesome. I will take many pictures.
I will drink many drinks. I will lose a kidney.

Typical Day

2005-02-28T22:28:00.000-08:00

So what do I do on Mondays?

I get up in the morning and roll into work.
I faze and I read and I work on translations.
Amy, my boss, is great fun to have in the office.
In the early afternoon, I meet with my mentor and we go over my translations.

Then I rush to my first student's house.
I'm usually late.
I tutor for a while; Kimberly usually wants help with her homework.

Then I hustle over to a library, where Jeremy is waiting for me.
He shows up early and then his mother gets pissed when we end before the scheduled time.
How about I use our extra minutes to tutor you on some common fucking decency, madam?

After that, I skip on over to another library.
Johanna is always late, so I read through books on art.
I've come to love Chagall and Bacon. And Bosch.

Then it's home again, home again, jiggity-jig.
I faze and chat for a bit while I battle the urge to make a run for booze.

What the hell kind of Monday is that, you ask.
It's mine. Keep your sticky little hands off of it.

That was what one might call a night to remember

2005-02-26T17:21:00.000-08:00

Over twenty people showed up for Chris's birthday.
We occupied an entire section at O'Malley's.
Donna didn't show. Dammit.

We stayed at O'Malley's for a good three hours.
Then we went back to Jason's to play poker.
There were about eleven of us.

We played cards and laughed and talked
Until five o'clock in the morning.

In a few hours, I will head over to Chris's house.
We will play pool and poker
And that sort of thing.

I'm not in a very good mood right now.
I should eat something.

2005-02-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

I'm great at weddings

2005-02-25T18:43:00.000-08:00

Kyle and Jason

OMG FIRST POST!!!

2005-02-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

So I'm famished.
Fell off the wagon the other night.
Downed over half a bottle of gin.
The last thing I remember was putting skittles in it to see how it would taste.
It was pretty disappointing.

I don't know if I can host pics or other files on here.
I haven't really bothered to find out.
If not, I'll host them elsewhere and link to them.

Tonight, I am going to celebrate
the birthday anniversary of my friend Chris.
We've been friends for some...
eleven years now, I believe.
He's a neat guy. He works as an EMT.
He stuck his finger in some guy's bullet wound
out of curiosity.
That's pretty damn cute,
as far as I'm concerned.

Donna's supposed to come along with me tonight.
I use names like that so that those who don't know who's who will feel out of the loop. I hope it's working, bitches.